In life we get annoyed by the little things when we should appreciate them. I'm learning to appreciate every moment and experience I encounter whether wanted or not. Saturday night I received a text from an ex and he wanted to know what happen, and why we didn't work out. I stated what I believe went wrong and how I felt throughout the relationship. He immediately got defensive and told me that I was wrong 😤. Communication was our biggest issue mixed with our egos. Boy oh boy! We'd say how we felt never really listening to one another. It was like being in a constant war from sunup to Sundown. It got to the point to where I never wanted to be home, never felt appreciated, my self esteem was lost, and I lost all sight of who I was meant to be.
Having this discussion with him brought back so many unwanted feelings and memories. It was one of my darkest moments. I never thought LOVE could have you feeling so HATEFUL and HATED. I hated who I was while in this relationship. I did everything in my power to save my relationship with him because I wasn't getting younger and everyone around me was either married, dating, and in a relationship. So I dealt with it. Because I needed to fit in and was worried about what people will think of me. I stayed in a unhealthy situation that caused me to go into depression. I never thought about myself. It was always about what others wanted and how I didn't want them to perceive me. On the OUTSIDE it looked like I was all together. I maintained the look of success and happiness, while getting lost in the perception of society. On the INSIDE I was screaming for help going through a world of mixed emotions. I wanted a fairy godmother to magically save me from the HELL I was enduring.
It took months for me to SAVE MYSELF. It was when I Developed a MEDITATION practice I began to see things differently. I knew that my situation was not how life was suppose to be.
I was not Meant to succumb to my surroundings and be like others. I was meant to be MYSELF. My PATH is not one with THEM but with ME. I watched people stay in miserable relationships because of the fear of thoughts and perceptions. One day , I woke up and I said I chose to be happy. I remember that day so clearly. It was the best feeling in the world. I ended things with my ex that day. He wasn't so happy and I was so nervous because thoughts started to creep but I knew that this isn't what life is about.
Life isn't about being miserable. It's about being Happy. It's about Being able to Be You! It's about Loving Yourself! It's being at Peace no matter what.
I knew my new journey would not be easy because I would miss our routine. We shared a lot of time together and we made our lives one. However, the feeling of starting over made it all so easy. It felt good not being in a dark place. It felt good to finally be happy. It felt good to feel again. It felt nice for Justin to see me truly Happy. He was one of the reason why I stayed in the relationship with my ex. He wanted me to be married and I wanted to give him that. He wanted me to have everything his dad had. His dad is married and Justin wanted that for me. He would have talks with his Dad about me and my ex getting married. He would also talk about our fights and me not being happy. All he wanted was another Dad because he already had two moms. 😔
He knew I wasn't happy. I didn't think he knew, one because of his age ( he was 6 at the time) and two I thought I hid it well. When I finally chose me. He said to me. It's okay if you're not with Trey anymore I like that you're not arguing and that you're smiling again.
That meant the world to me. Because everything I do is for him. Every choice I make is so that I won't disappoint him. I know that's not reality. It took me some time to see that. We will disappoint our children because disappointment is apart of life. We have to teach them how to cope, adjust to it, then move forward. The one thing I know that I taught Justin from this situation is being happy and putting yourself first emotionally.
As parents we always make things about our children. Wanting to do and be the best for them. Not realizing that they could just want us to be Happy. Even though he wanted me to be married to Trey. Justin wanted me to be Happy first and if being Happy didn't include Trey he was okay with that. Through all of this I'm glad he had his dad to share his feelings with. His dad shared with me how Justin felt and that made my proud of my decision.
This post was suppose to be short and simple. As you can see I allowed my thoughts and words the chance to be. Now, getting back to the topic the little things. This conversation although I did not want to have with my ex, it allowed me to say how I always felt. He finally listened. I wished him well Thanked him.
I Thanked him because the relationship I had with him started me on my path to True Self Love and Self Forgiveness. Our conversation was a reminder of a place where I never want to go back to. I am truly happy where I am. 😊
I am no longer that young woman who changes herself so people can like or love her. I am the Woman I Want to Be and Was Destined to Be. I am Being Me.
It's The Little Things… it's not your typical little thing but it sure will have you reflecting.
Happy Monday 😘